Monthly Archives: August 2012

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door.

One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four."

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor!"

Again, there is a bright flash and both his legs fall off."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be specific when working with magic!

A new monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand.

He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there werre an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. 

Hours later, nobody has seen him.

So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him.

He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.

He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above. "You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. 

Again, she heard, "You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live! So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went to heaven.

She said to God, "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?"

God said, "I didn't recognize you."

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. 

Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." 

Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: "I had a ride on a choo-choo."

Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: "I read a whole book by myself for the first time."

Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?

Third Pupil: "Winnie the Shit."

Our children are watching us and listening to us!