Posts Tagged ‘jokes’

FINDING THE FUNNY – On the Golf Course with Jesus

Monday, April 15th, 2013

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water.

Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. 

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green when a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mourth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop folling around, we won't bring you next time."

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FINDING THE FUNNY – Ten dollars is ten dollars

Monday, April 8th, 2013

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overhear them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

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FINDING THE FUNNY – Elderly Marriage??

Monday, March 25th, 2013

Two elderly folks in a nursing home wanted to get married. Their doctor took each one into his office separately to try and talk them out of it.

He called in the woman and told her that the man had already suffered two heart attacks.

She told the doctor that she didn't care.

The doctor called in the man and told him the woman was suffering from acute angina.

"I know!" he said. "I peeked."

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FINDING THE FUNNY – Proud Catholic Moms

Monday, March 18th, 2013

Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners, and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"

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FINDING THE FUNNY – Parrot Prostitutes?!?

Monday, March 11th, 2013

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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FINDING THE FUNNY – Bedtime Blues

Monday, March 4th, 2013

A small boy is sent to bed by his father…

[five minutes later]

"Da-ad…"

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad…"

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…"

"WHAT!!??"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

 

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FINDING THE FUNNY – Our Creative English Language

Monday, February 11th, 2013

The English Language

There is no egg in eggplant, no ham in hamburger, and neither pine nor apple in pineapple 

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that

Quicksand takes you down slowly

Boxing rings are square

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig

If writer's write, how come fingers don't fing

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught

 

If the vegetarian eats vegtables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat

Why do people recite at a play, and yet play at a recital

Park on driveways and drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a lanaguage where

a house can burn up as it burns down

And in which you fill in a form by filling it out

English was invented by people not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race

Which of course isn't a race at all

That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible

And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts, but when I wind up this observation, it ends.

 

NO WONDER WORDS CAN MESS WITH OUR MINDS!!

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FINDING THE FUNNY – Only After One Thing

Monday, December 31st, 2012

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

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